Letters To You
by legacyem
Summary: When the characters of Harry Potter stumble upon fanfiction they are none to happy to see how they are paired off and how they are characterized. These are the letters they send to the authors. (Mostly poking fun on different cliches in HP fandom)
1. Draco Malfoy

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Chapter One: Draco Malfoy**

Dear Fanfiction Authors,

Seriously, a Mudblood with me? I'd rather bed a Hippogriff than her.

Have you no imagination!?

HippoCo is far more endearing than Dramione.

Seriously…

A very fuming Pureblood,

Draco Malfoy


	2. Harry Potter

**Chapter Two: Harry Potter**

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Come on, guys, Ron and I aren't shagging.

I mean we're just best mates and don't I like his sister?

Even though she looks like my dead mum?

Or not…

I think…

I'm confused…

A very confused boy-who-lived,

Harry Potter


	3. Hermione Granger

**Chapter Three: Hermione Granger**

To Whom It May Concern,  
In no way possible would I ever fall in love with that toad!

Draco Malfoy is a good for nothing, conniving little cockroach.

So no, I will never ever like him.

Ever.

An indignant Muggleborn,  
Hermione Granger.


	4. Cormac McLaggen

**Chapter Four: Cormac McLaggen**

To Rabid Followers,

Honestly, why do I have to be the bad guy?

Why can't every girl fall over at the sight of me because

I am just that awesome?

I mean I'm dashing, smart, cool and everything a girl could ask for.

Did I mention I'm dashing…

A neglected pretty boy,

Cormac McLaggen


	5. Draco Malfoy (again)

Chapter Five: Draco Malfoy (again)

To Freaking Fanfiction Writers,

Me and Longbottom?

Now, you're just desperate.

Irritated beyond belief,

Draco Malfoy

P.S.- You do describe my arse rather nicely though.


	6. Severus Snape

**Chapter Six: Severus Snape**

Dear Insolent Fools,

I would never come near that brat, Potter,

even if I had a ten foot pole.

Nor do I find him...cute.

Sneering as I write this,

Severus Snape


	7. Tom--Er, Lord Voldemort

**Chapter Seven: Tom-Er, Lord Voldemort**

To You Writers,

I am Lord Voldemort.

I do not fall in love.

Bow down to me,

Lord Voldemort

P.S- Call me 'Tom Riddle' again and I shall Avada you!


	8. Ron Weasley

**Chapter 8: Ron Weasley**

To Fangirls,

I am not emotional.

I have an emotional range of a teaspoon.

Keep it like that.

The emotionless red head,

Ron

P.S - I AM NOT GAY!


	9. Mrs Weasley (A HOWLER TO YOU)

Chapter Nine: Mrs Weasley (A Howler To You)

FANFICTION WRITERS,

HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME INTO A SCREECHING WITCH

I WOULD NEVER BETRAY HARRY NOR AM I EVIL!

IF YOU WRITE ANOTHER STORY BASHING ME,

I WILL MAKE SURE IT IS YOUR LAST-oh, and thank you for those

who have written me as a kind and loving mother.

*Blows raspberry*

Mistress of Howlers,

Mrs. Weasley


	10. Draco Malfoy (Again!)

Chapter Ten: Draco Malfoy (Again!)

Dear Writers,

I much rather Drapple than Drarry.

Do you see ME ever being lovey-dovey with Potter?

I didn't think so.

Honestly,

Draco Malfoy.

P.S - But you do describe me as rather dashing most of the time.


	11. Headmistress McGonagall

**Chapter Eleven: Headmistress McGonagall**

Dear Fanfiction Writers

If Mr Malfoy was ever Headboy the school would burn.

Period.

Children these days,

Headmistress McGonagall

P.S- Please stop with this eight year riff raff as if I need horny eighteen year olds in my castle.


	12. Draco Malfoy (Encore)

**Chapter Twelve: Draco Malfoy (AGAIN!)**

Dear shitty writers,

I am not some dumb fae, dragon, wicca, nymph, nix, veela hybrid.

My blood is pure, PURE!

Seething,

Draco Malfoy


	13. Neville Longbottom

**Chapter Thirteen: Neville Longbottom**

Dear Writers,

I-I h-honestly d-dont mind you p-pairing me up with anyone.

Just don't stick me with Malfoy.

Erm, yeah,

Neville Longbottom


	14. Remus Lupin

**Chapter Fourteen: Remus Lupin**

Dear Writers,

Let's get straight to the point.

I am not in love with Sirius.

I am not a bottom.

Sirius was never a sex god.

Where do you get your information from?

A not so amused Lycan,

Remus Lupin


	15. Blaise Zabini

**Chapter Fifteen: Blaise Zabini**

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Stop writing me as an Italian...

I am tall, **BLACK**, and handsome.

Get over it.

Blaise Zabini


End file.
